Jul 20 2008
Wars of the Sky
The flash of lights
The children running around,
Scared and in fright.
Loud crashes of the night,
As the angels make their strike down the alleys.
Fireworks play within the clouds,
With each strike and glimmer…
Rain pours from the sky
Pattering on rooftops, buildings, and flooding the lands.
The night is a light show,
With plenty of amplified sound effects.
The darkness spreads through the clouds above,
While the people down below, take cover and shelter,
Hiding from the wakened monster of the evening…
Booms and lights continue to carry on,
While the scared people wonder when this war will be finally be done.
The rain begins to slow…pitter patter, tiring from the evil downpour
Darkness begins to fade, as the warrior clouds begin to push on through…
Streaks of light peak through the evening,
As the sun reveals that there is hope once again.
Birds begin to chirp their songs as a cool breeze sweeps in,
Children peak out from under their beds, and step out onto the porch,
And begin to play
All is okay once again,
As the sun begins to set in the hills,
Waving goodbye to another day.
“Scared and in fright.”
Kind of redundant
“As the angels make their strike down the alleys.”
Presumes on the reader that they know the kiddie tale that thunder is Angels’ bowling.
“While the people down below, take cover and shelter”
more unnecessary redundancy
“While the scared people wonder when this war will be finally be done”
Mixing metaphors. You have not established any sense of conflict from which to now call this a war.
“Rain slowly begins to slow”
Gently, Patiently, Reluctantly, anything but using the adverb, and its verb in the same line.
Really, you need to pick a theme for this one. It starts out as bowling, fireworks and light shows, then becomes a war. Choose one or the other and carry it through.
IFLING.TODAY.COM